Scared Straitjacket
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Thanks to Gakuto1991 for the suggestion! :-) A new initiative from the mayor's office brings the Scared Straight program, where juvenile offenders are sent to mix with real criminals, to Arkham Asylum. Needless to say, the results are not what anyone was hoping for.
1. Chapter 1

**Scared Straitjacket**

"The mayor will be with you shortly, Dr. Leland."

"Thank you," said Dr. Leland, head of Arkham Asylum, as the mayor's secretary returned to her desk. Dr. Leland checked her watch, and then rifled through her briefcase for her notebook. She opened this to find a piece of paper stuck inside – it appeared to be a bingo sheet, with several phrases instead of numbers, and a note written at the bottom: _Thought you could use something fun to distract yourself during the mayor's meeting, Doc – if you get a bingo, I'll buy you lunch! Love, the Joker_.

"Oh my God, how did he get in my briefcase?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"Something wrong, Dr. Leland?" asked Mayor Hill, emerging from his office at that moment.

"Uh…no, Mr. Mayor," said Dr. Leland, shoving the sheet back in her notebook and standing up to shake the mayor's hand. "It's nice to see you again."

"Yes, I always look forward to our annual briefing," agreed Mayor Hill, gesturing her into his office. "I hope you have good news for me regarding Arkham."

"Well, our breakout rate is down by .02% from last year, so that's something positive," said Dr. Leland, forcing a smile as she sat down.

"That doesn't sound like a lot," said Mayor Hill, frowning.

"No, but every little bit helps at Arkham, right?" laughed Dr. Leland. "And our employee turnover is at an all-time low, with only 50% voluntarily electing to leave their positions this year."

"What about the other 50%?" asked Mayor Hill. "They volunteered to stay?"

"They…didn't have a choice," admitted Dr. Leland. "They lost their lives on the job."

Mayor Hill sighed. "Well, at least they didn't become supercriminals themselves, like Dr. Quinzel."

"Yes, we've had no doctors become romantically involved with the inmates, or join their cause," agreed Dr. Leland, nodding. "So that's always a positive development."

Mayor Hill sighed again. "I'll be frank, Dr. Leland – Arkham is a continual thorn in my side in terms of my re-election campaign. The people of Gotham desperately want something to be done to curb the inmates' activities, and they're not going to keep voting for me unless I do something about it. To that end, I'm launching a bold, new initiative."

Dr. Leland looked down at the bingo sheet – the words _Bold, new initiative _were written in the center space, and she circled it. "And what is that, Mr. Mayor?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Well, this sort of perennial problem requires outside-the-box thinking…" continued Mayor Hill, as Dr. Leland circled the _Outside-the-box thinking _space in the upper right-hand corner of the sheet.

"What's needed is to turn Arkham from a negative to a positive in the eyes of the voting public," finished Mayor Hill.

"And…how would we do that?" asked Dr. Leland, slowly.

"By making the inmates of Arkham provide a service to the community," he replied.

"A few of them did do community service once, and destroyed the Iceberg Lounge in the process," retorted Dr. Leland. "Oswald Cobblepot is still paying for the damage."

"Well, your mistake in that case was letting them leave Arkham," retorted Mayor Hill. (Dr. Leland thought it best not to remind him that it had originally been his idea.) "No, I'm talking about community service they can do while still being locked up," he continued. "Have you ever heard of the Scared Straight program?"

"You mean the program that sends petty juvenile offenders to prison to spend time with hardcore criminals, and which has been found to have mixed results at best, if not entirely negative ones?" asked Dr. Leland.

"Well, mixed results are better than nothing," replied Mayor Hill.

Dr. Leland glanced down at the sheet again, circling the square which read (_Insert terrible idea here) is better than nothing._

"So…you're proposing sending vulnerable and troubled young people to Arkham?" asked Dr. Leland, slowly. "To spend some time with our inmates in the hopes that they can dissuade them from a life of crime?"

"I am indeed," said Mayor Hill, nodding. "I think it's about time these people contributed something positive back to the community. And if we can prevent at least one young person from following them into a life of crime, well, that's worthwhile, isn't it?"

"And what if it backfires?" asked Dr. Leland. "Which studies have shown these programs can do. What if spending time with the inmates only makes the idea of a criminal lifestyle more appealing, as in Dr. Quinzel's case?"

"Dr. Quinzel didn't have a criminal record when she was hired, did she?" asked Mayor Hill.

"No," replied Dr. Leland.

"So there, you see?" asked Mayor Hill, beaming. "It's a completely different case. Less of the lure of the forbidden with these youngsters, having already had a taste of a life of petty crime. I'm very optimistic about this initiative achieving positive results."

"And what if I don't think it's a very good idea?" Dr. Leland asked, slowly.

"Well, you're not in charge, are you?" asked Mayor Hill, smiling at her. "I think it's an excellent idea, and so do all my advisors."

Dr. Leland sighed, circling the square that read _Unqualified idiots think it's an excellent idea. _"Well then, I guess there's nothing more to be said," she sighed, standing up. "When should I expect these young people at Arkham?"

"In the next week or two," replied Mayor Hill. "You might want to forewarn the inmates so they're not surprised by them. We've got a young woman who's a serial shoplifter, a young man who committed assault with a deadly weapon, and a young man who's been involved in counterfeiting fake IDs."

"And these people's parents are all ok with the possibility of their children not surviving this experience?" asked Dr. Leland.

"They've signed waivers," retorted Mayor Hill.

"So that's a yes?" asked Dr. Leland.

"It means we're not liable, and that's all I care about," replied Mayor Hill.

Dr. Leland sighed again, circling the final square that gave her a bingo – _Not legally liable for terrible idea, so apathetic about consequences of own stupidity. _"Ok then," she said, forcing a smile. "I guess I'll go back to Arkham and prepare the inmates. Always a pleasure, Mr. Mayor," she said, shaking his hand.

"Likewise, Dr. Leland," said Mayor Hill. "I'll be making the announcement about the program at a press conference tonight, if you'd like to join me."

"Well, evenings are when we need all hands on deck at Arkham," said Dr. Leland. "That's when most escape attempts happen. So thanks, but no thanks, Mr. Mayor. I hope it all goes well though," she said, heading for the door. Her smile dropped the instant she left, as her mind went over the several thousand possibilities of everything that could go wrong with the mayor's plan on her way back to the asylum.

"Hey, Doc, how was the mayor?" asked the Joker, smiling as she entered the cell block.

She said nothing, but crumpled up the bingo sheet and tossed it into his cell. "You owe me lunch," she muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm real excited about this," said Harley Quinn, who was beaming from ear to ear as she heard the commotion of the arriving young offenders from outside the Rec Room where the inmates waited.

"Yeah, so you've been saying for a week, Harley," sighed Poison Ivy, rolling her eyes. "You think it'll be good to have kids around because then the Joker will realize how much he wants one, and your pathetic dream of bearing his offspring can finally be fulfilled."

"It ain't just that, Red," retorted Harley. "I think it'll do us all good. We get so used to each other's company in here, and I think a fresh, new perspective from a young person will be just the thing to shake us all out of our ruts."

"Some of us are happy in our ruts," retorted Jonathan Crane. "And have no wish to be shaken out of them, either figuratively or literally."

"Now Jonathan, there's no need to be concerned," said Jervis Tetch. "I'm sure these young people are perfectly nice…"

"They're young offenders, Jervis – they're obviously not," interrupted Crane. "They're obviously bullies, and I severely dislike bullies."

"Yeah, but it might do 'em some good seeing us," said Two-Face. "When I was DA, I used to throw the book at young offenders in the hopes of turning 'em off their path of crime before it was too late. I mean, none of us in here started when we were kids, did we? I beat up a bully when I was little, but that was self-defense."

"I cut a bully with a knife when I was a teenager, but only after months of abuse," said Crane. "It was also self-defense, and therefore not a crime."

"I probably had a juvie record," spoke up Joker. "But I can't remember, of course. But I'd bet that I was a hellraiser from the day I was born. Probably was stealing from Mommy's purse when I was old enough to crawl!" he chuckled.

"Great, these kids are gonna be mini-Jokers," muttered Ivy. "I just can't wait to meet them."

The door to the Rec Room opened, and Dr. Leland entered, followed by three teenagers. The first didn't look up from her cell phone, popping a bubble of gum as she kept her eyes glued to the screen. The second looked around warily, scowling at everything he saw. And the third glanced around nervously, his hands deep in his pockets and his eyes shifting from inmate to inmate anxiously.

"Everyone, this is Jackie Sherman, Craig Carter, and Norman Rankin," said Dr. Leland, indicating each of the children. "Jackie has been caught shoplifting on multiple occasions, Craig tried to hold up a gas station with a gun, and Norman ran a ring of fake IDs in his school so he could help his classmates drink underage. The mayor hopes that some interaction with some real criminals will scare them off the dark path they're on, and put them back on the straight and narrow. I think the mayor draws the line at physical abuse, but feel free to emotionally abuse them as much as you like. It's for their own good, after all."

"Like all emotional abuse is," agreed Joker, nodding. "See, Harley, that's what I've been trying to tell you for years!"

"You realize that's crap, right?" asked Ivy. "You realize emotional abuse can sometimes result in worse scars than physical, and will probably lead them to become even more stunted adults?"

"Of course, because I'm a psychiatrist," said Dr. Leland, nodding. "But the mayor disagrees, and he outranks me, so emotional abuse inflicted on young people is a good thing. Never mind that my own brother committed suicide as a teenager because of emotional abuse – these young people can obviously handle it."

"Hey, don't give 'em that sob story, or they'll come to you for sympathy!" snapped Joker. "I know all about abusing people for their own good – I do it with Harley, and Batman, and this whole damn city which can't seem to take a joke! Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind, tough love and all that."

"My parents were believers in tough love, and I totally disagree with that statement," retorted Tetch. "Children are naturally good and innocent, and all they need is compassion and understanding in order to flourish. I will under no circumstances be vile to these poor, misguided children…"

"God, shut up, freak!" snapped Craig suddenly.

Tetch stared at him. "I…beg your pardon?" he stammered.

"You won't beg anything, because I'm gonna break your jaw if you don't shut your mouth!" snapped Craig.

"Wow, I like this one!" chuckled Joker. "Gotta keep the nerds in their place, right, kid?"

"You shut up too, clown!" snapped Craig.

"But he could stand to learn some manners," Joker finished, smiling coldly at him.

"You don't talk to Mr. J like that!" snapped Harley. "Apologize right now!"

"I ain't apologizing to you or him, you dumb blonde bimbo," retorted Craig.

"Don't ever talk to a woman that way!" snapped Ivy. "Don't make me teach you some manners, because I guarantee you won't enjoy it!"

"I'm not afraid of anyone in here – what are you freaks gonna do?" sneered Craig. "You can't physically hurt us, and I can take being yelled at. If there's no actual threat behind it, it doesn't matter. You people can say whatever you want, but what you do makes people afraid of you, and if you can't do any of that, you ain't scary."

"That's a legitimate analysis of fear," agreed Crane, nodding. "But I'll warn you that not all harm has to be physical to be permanent. I know from personal experience…"

"When I said shut up to one freak, I actually meant all freaks," interrupted Craig. "And just because you can't physically hurt me doesn't mean I can't physically hurt you. You look like you wouldn't be too much trouble to beat into submission," he said, pounding his fist into his hand. "I've done that with a lotta nerdy types at school."

"You see? Bullies!" snapped Crane, rounding on Tetch. "I told you!"

"Don't talk tough if you can't act tough, kid," growled Two-Face, flipping his coin.

"You mean like you do, Mr. Former DA?" demanded Craig. "Who only acts with his coin's permission? You used to be the law, and now you break it. Not a very good poster boy for obeying it, are you?"

"Ok, why don't we all calm down?" asked Dr. Leland. "I think the best way to do this so the children don't feel so overwhelmed is to split you all up into groups – Joker and Two-Face can have Craig, since he seems to be the toughest to deal with."

"Yeah, sounds like fun," said Joker, grinning at him.

"And let's have the ladies try and relate to Jackie," continued Dr. Leland, pushing the girl gently toward Harley and Ivy. She still didn't look up from her phone. "And we'll have Norman with Crane and Tetch. And that way everyone can participate."

"Is she allowed to have her phone in here?" asked Ivy. "Because we're not."

"Her therapist said it was better that she wasn't separated from it," replied Dr. Leland. "Apparently she can become very distressed."

"Well, I'm not spending time with someone who won't even look up from her screen…" began Ivy, seizing the phone.

"Hey, back off!" shouted Jackie, glaring up at her and ripping her phone back with surprising strength. "I need this so I don't die of boredom surrounded by a bunch of old losers!"

"Old?" repeated Ivy, offended. "I am not old!"

"You're definitely past it – you all are," retorted Jackie, gluing her eyes to her screen again. "The only thing more dated than Batman is the freaks who fight Batman. You people are all such old news," she sighed, rolling her eyes. "Hashtag fogeys."

"What the hell does that mean?" demanded Ivy.

"Relax, Red, it's just teenagers rebelling," said Harley, shrugging. "That's what they're supposed to do – be all defiant of anyone older than they are. It's a normal and healthy stage of their development, and an essential rite of passage. It's ok, Jackie, you don't have to respect me," she said, smiling at her.

"That's good, because I don't," retorted Jackie, still not looking up. "I'd be embarrassed to be as hung up over any guy as you are, especially over such an abusive creep."

"Hey, Mr. J is not an abusive creep!" snapped Harley. "And even if he is, I still love him, so there!"

"Whatever," said Jackie, rolling her eyes. "Hashtag lamewads everywhere."

"Norman, you've been very quiet so far," said Dr. Leland. "Anything you'd like to say before I split you off into groups?"

Norman fidgeted. "Which way is the bathroom?" he asked.

"Just around the corner," said Dr. Leland. "Why?"

"I have a…condition where I…projectile vomit under stress," he murmured. "Excuse me."

"Well, this is great!" chuckled Joker, as Norman raced out of the room. "Good start! I just know we're gonna have loads of laughs! Hashtag let the party begin, right, kid?" he chuckled, nudging Jackie.

"Hey, don't touch me, grandpa," she snapped, glaring up at him. "That's assault."

"Oh, that ain't assault, kid," replied Joker, grinning at her. "Uncle J can show you what that is, but I don't think you'll enjoy it."

"Joker, just…try and refrain from physical harm," said Dr. Leland. "Please. Now let's go, everyone – call me if you need anything. And pray that this doesn't all end in tears," she sighed to herself as she led the three groups to their separate rooms. "Actually, I'll pray that it does – at least they'd all still be alive to shed them."


	3. Chapter 3

"What are you even doing on your screen that you can't look up from it for five minutes?" demanded Poison Ivy, as several minutes had passed without Jackie looking up from her phone.

"I was posting selfies showing how lame and boring this place is," she retorted, breaking eye contact with the phone briefly to show it to Ivy. The screen showed a picture of Jackie's face, lips pursed and eyes rolled, in front of the sign outside that read _Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. _Jackie had added several hashtags to the post: _#ArkhamAsylumfortheCriminallyLame #Boredom101 #OldFreaksandWeirdosEverywhere #GetMeOuttaHereAlready_.

"Ok, first of all, do you have any idea why you're in here?" demanded Ivy.

"Yeah, because those idiot security guards at the mall can't mind their own business," retorted Jackie.

"Catching shoplifters _is _their business," retorted Ivy. "So they're actually minding it pretty well. And I can't believe you just made me defend law and order. But of course I'm naturally against consumerism because of its rampant damage to the ecosystem and Mother Nature. You don't need things to be happy."

"Yeah, I do," retorted Jackie. "I need my phone, for one thing. I also need Wifi, which you losers don't have in here. And I need hair extensions for prom. And a dress, and makeup, and that all adds up. How else am I supposed to get those things without stealing 'em? I mean, there's crowdfunding, I guess, but stealing's easier."

"You don't need those things," repeated Ivy. "You don't need to pretty yourself up and go to a dance. Women don't need to objectify themselves like that."

"Yeah, I do, or I'll be a social outcast like you freaks," she said, rolling her eyes again. "And that's worse than death. Everyone else is going to prom, so it's important I do it too."

"See, you're wrong there," said Ivy. "The truly courageous are the people who break off from the norm, and don't follow the crowd. Like me – nobody else seems to want to acknowledge the damage humanity is doing to our planet, so I'm taking a stand by drastically reducing our collective carbon footprint through mass murder. Because of my actions, I'm going to bring about massive change and make a world that humanity can no longer inflict itself upon. And to achieve great strides like that, you have to be willing not to fit in, because people are gonna call you crazy. But you have to decide if you'd rather endure their insults and make your mark on the world, or live a shallow, boring life of meaningless mundanity."

"But I wouldn't be a social outcast if I did that last one, right?" asked Jackie.

"No, I guess you wouldn't," sighed Ivy. "Have you ever heard of feminism, Jackie?"

"Sure, everyone who's anyone is a feminist," said Jackie, shrugging.

"Good!" said Ivy, beaming. "There's hope for this generation yet! So what do you think makes you a feminist?"

Jackie shrugged again. "I've got a T-shirt that says _This is What a Feminist Looks Like_ on it," she said. "And I always tag my Instagram photos with the feminist hashtag."

"O…K…but what are you actually doing to actively contribute to the fight for women's equality?" asked Ivy.

"I dunno," said Jackie, shrugging. "I didn't know I had to actively do anything to be a feminist. That sounds like a lot of extra work, and I don't have time for that," she added, returning to scrolling through her screen again. "My social media keeps me really busy – I barely have time to post all my selfies every day."

"How…many selfies do you take?" asked Ivy, slowly.

"I dunno," repeated Jackie, shrugging. "I don't have time to count 'em."

"You don't think it's a little more important to cultivate your inside rather than your outside?" asked Ivy. "Like flowers – they're naturally beautiful, as all women are, but they need to be taken care of on the inside by providing them with water and soil and sunlight. And people need to look after their mind as well as their body by giving it rich food for thought and enlightening it with knowledge. That's how they can grow up mentally strong and healthy."

"Well, first of all, I'm not taking tips on mental health from crazy people," said Jackie, rolling her eyes. "And second of all, you would say that because you're a freak with green skin, so there's no point in working on your appearance since you'll never be beautiful."

"Hey, the hundreds of men I've dated would disagree with you!" snapped Ivy.

"Just men?" sighed Jackie, rolling her eyes again. "How heteronormative of you. I'm pansexual myself."

"You're sexually attracted to pans?" asked Harley, confused.

"That's not what that means, Harley," snapped Ivy.

"Everyone who's anyone experiments with their sexuality," continued Jackie, ignoring her.

"I've experimented!" snapped Ivy. "I just found I preferred men as sexual partners! Which is annoying because I hate them in all other respects! But just because something's more common doesn't mean it's wrong!"

"You just said it was," retorted Jackie. "You said you had to be different and special to make your mark on the world."

"But you said everyone experiments with their sexuality," spoke up Harley. "So if everyone's doing it, it's not different or special by definition."

"You just don't get it," sighed Jackie. "I can't expect someone obsessively in love with one horrible man to get it. You're like the stereotypical abused housewife who can't see how backwards and wrong her situation is, and who keeps going back to the selfish abuser even though that's obviously a really stupid thing to do."

"I don't get the fact that you want to be different and special, and to do that you do exactly what everyone else does to be different and special rather than form a unique personality of your own and think independently, because that's too different and special to merit the approval of your peers, which is ultimately the only reason why you want to be different and special, to fit in with your social crowd, is that right?" asked Harley.

"Yeah," agreed Jackie, nodding. "Exactly."

Harley and Ivy shared a look. "And they call us crazy," sighed Ivy.

"I know Red thinks the best way to get through to you is through a feminist perspective, but I'm a shrink, so maybe I can help with a different approach," said Harley.

"Yeah, a shrink who went crazy and slept with her psychotic patient," sighed Jackie. "I'm sure you have a lotta valuable advice."

"Well, I think so," said Harley, shrugging. "How was your childhood? A lotta happy memories there?"

Jackie shrugged. "Not really. I don't really remember it."

"Your parents ignored you a lot, huh?" asked Harley.

Jackie shrugged again. "They work a lot, but they gotta."

"Yeah, that's the economy we're in," sighed Harley. "But I bet you still felt kinda neglected, huh? A kid can't always rationalize the need for work – they just feel emotions like loneliness and abandonment, and that they're not loved. But you are loved, you know that, right? Your parents tell you that, right?"

Jackie shrugged again. "Not…really," she said. "They don't really get me."

"You should meet my parents!" laughed Harley. "I think it's particularly hard if you don't have a great relationship with 'em to begin with, because those are the people in your life who are meant to accept you and love you unconditionally. You just feel kinda hurt being rejected by 'em, people who you think should understand you, but don't. That's a difficult wound to acknowledge, and one that gets reopened with every new interaction. It never quite scars over though – it just keeps hurting. And so you're sometimes afraid to be too different, because if your parents reject you, you think everyone in your life always will. So you try and fit in, and live a life that doesn't really make you happy, but you don't know why it doesn't, because it seems to work for everyone else. Believe me, I've been there. I was a good person, never rocking the boat, and always doing what everyone expected of me – parents, teachers, peers, and anyone in authority. I got into a good college, got a good degree, and became a doctor. And that still didn't make me happy. You know why? Because I was living someone else's life, the life people told me I was supposed to live. But that life wasn't right for me, not the real me. That's why it could never make me happy. And then I met Mr. J," she sighed, adoringly. "Who listened to me for a change and made everything fun. He accepts me and loves me for who I am, all of me, unconditionally, even the parts I was afraid to show other people, the dark, crazy sides of myself. And he was the first person in my life to ever do that. So the least I can do is accept the dark, crazy parts of him. That's love," she sighed.

"Ok, that started out good, but then turned into an adoring tangent about the Joker," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Is that true?" interrupted Jackie, who had gradually looked up from her phone as Harley spoke, and was now gazing at her intently. "The Joker…loves you, even though you think no one ever will, and even though you feel all messed up inside?"

"Yeah, he does," said Harley, smiling. "And I don't feel that way anymore – Mr. J made everything better. I mean, people may say I'm all messed up now, but to me, it ain't madness, it's clarity. He gave me that gift, the gift of finding my true self, which I only found through his love. He gave me my purpose, my destiny, as his Harley Quinn."

"Can we go back to trying to see things through a feminist perspective?" asked Ivy. "I think that'll be a lot more helpful for a confused young woman trying to find her way in the world…"

"No, I…think that's really helped, actually," said Jackie, slowly. "You just gotta find that one person who will accept you for who you are, unconditionally."

"Actually, as a strong, independent woman, you don't need anyone to accept you, as long as you accept yourself…" began Ivy.

"Well, it worked for me," interrupted Harley, shrugging. "But of course there are lots of other paths to happiness, and you gotta find the one that works for you."

"But the Joker was the key to your happiness, right?" asked Jackie.

"Yeah," said Harley. "But Red's right – it's a good idea to love yourself before you try loving someone else…"

"But you just said it was the Joker who helped you love yourself," interrupted Jackie. "So he could probably help me."

"What? No," said Harley, hastily. "Oh, no, no, no, he couldn't. He's mine, so you gotta find your own Joker…"

"But there's only one Joker," interrupted Jackie. "He's completely unique, and one of a kind, so I can't find another one."

"No, what I mean is you gotta find your own guy, or girl, or pan, or whoever is gonna make you feel that way about yourself," said Harley. "Because it can't be my Joker, because he's mine…"

"Monogamy is such an outdated concept," sighed Jackie, returning her eyes to the screen. "And it's a totally unnatural state. You had some good advice there, but now you're back to being lame. But whatever – I'm sure the Joker will be up for it. Older guys love teenage girls. And if sleeping with him worked in making you feel better about yourself, it'll work for me. Thanks for the tip, freak," she said, heading for the door. "Hashtag off to get down with the clown."

"Way to go, Harley," said Ivy, sarcastically, as she stared after Jackie. "But I gotta admit, you're a very effective psychiatrist in steering patients toward your way of thinking. Just do the Joker and all your problems will be solved."

"That's not what I said!" snapped Harley. "That little brat didn't really listen, or she didn't really get it! But she ain't having Mr. J! I'll kill her first! Or Mr. J will. But I'm gonna beat him to it!" she added, racing out the door after her.


	4. Chapter 4

Meanwhile, Craig was sitting in sullen silence with his arms folded across his chest in a room with Joker and Two-Face. The latter was flipping his coin, also in sullen silence, while the Joker was reading a document in front of him, occasionally sighing and clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

"My, my, my, those are some severe charges, aren't they?" he asked, smiling up at Craig and holding up the paper.

"Hey, how did you get my rap sheet?" demanded Craig, reaching for it. "That's confidential…"

"Nothing's confidential from me, kid," interrupted Joker, moving the paper out of his reach. "I know everything about everyone. And I could tell you things about reality that would make your hair stand on end. For instance, you're just a feeble creation of some second-rate writer's uninspired imagination. Sorry, Greenleaf, but it's true," he said, to no one in particular.

"You're crazy," growled Craig.

"Crazy, maybe, but stupid, no," said Joker. "Which you definitely are, kid – you held up a gas station with no mask, so the security camera could easily identify you. You used your dad's gun without gloves, so your fingerprints were all over it, and it was registered to your address. You were either really, really stupid, or you wanted to get caught for some reason."

Joker studied him carefully. "You did this to impress a girl, huh?" he asked. "Maybe your ex-girlfriend who dumped you, to show her you're a real man?"

"How do you know about Denise?" demanded Craig.

"I told you – I know everything," retorted Joker. "But that was actually just a guess, a guess I deduced based on the whole wanting to get caught thing, so it looks like Bats is gonna have to defend his World's Greatest Detective title against me!" he chuckled. "Why else would you want to get caught if not for the fame and notoriety? Those kinda things are chick magnets."

The door opened, and Jackie entered the room, looking up from her phone at Joker only to ask, "So you wanna have sex or what?"

"See? Chick magnet," repeated Joker, gesturing at her. "And no, I don't want to have sex with a teenager who's probably underage," he replied. "Thanks for the offer, though."

"I'm eighteen," retorted Jackie.

"It ain't really your age that's the issue – it's more that I have a very possessive and psychotic girlfriend who would kill me for even thinking about it," retorted Joker.

"You stay the hell away from him!" shouted Harley, racing into the room with Ivy following.

"Speak of the devil," said Joker, as Harley flung herself onto his lap and clung on tightly. "But like I said, kid, I get it," he continued, turning back to Craig. "Dames love a bad boy, as you can see. I understand why you would think that holding up a gas station would make your girlfriend want you back."

"I don't," growled Ivy. "That shows no respect for her autonomy as a woman. Plus women don't like to feel threatened by the men they used to date. They like to feel that they're not going to be murdered just for breaking up with someone."

"Why not? I'd murder Harley if she broke up with me," retorted Joker.

"And I'd expect him to," agreed Harley, nodding. "And knowing that he would is kinda hot, actually. Not that I ever would break up with him, but if I did, I'd deserve to be killed for doing something so stupid."

"You two being the exception to every rule," sighed Ivy. "You have no idea of the fear women have to live with constantly just by interacting with the world."

"I think the world fears to interact with you, mostly," retorted Joker. "Anyway, you were the one who tried to kill Harvey when you were dating."

"Yeah, but not after we broke up," replied Ivy.

"Did you try to kill Pammie then, Harv?" asked Joker.

"No," he retorted. "But I'm not a dumb teenage kid with hormones racing around my body and more impulses than sense."

"No, you're just a lunatic with more impulses than sense," retorted Craig. "Anyway, it didn't work."

"I'm shocked," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"It's her loss," continued Craig.

"Yeah, she'll never be able to find another little aggressive brat who can't control his temper," growled Two-Face. "What a loss for her."

"You know, you remind me of one of Batsy's Robins," said Joker, smiling at Craig. "Also a spoiled brat with more aggression than sense – I ended up beating him to death with a crowbar. Good times," he sighed. "But maybe if you really want to impress this girl, you could join up with Batsy – he also loves randomly assaulting people, and he'll probably need a new Robin sometime soon if my pattern of murdering 'em holds. Oh, who am I kidding, nobody ever got chicks by being Batsy's Robin!" he chuckled. "It's like the ultimate turn-off!"

"Maybe you could try focusing on things in your life other than this girl," said Harley.

"But you just said obsessing over a romantic partner is the best way to happiness," spoke up Jackie, eyes still on her phone.

"No, I didn't!" snapped Harley. "I said Mr. J makes me happy, and that I recommend you try and pursue whatever makes you happy! That doesn't even have to be a relationship! In fact, I recommend it not being a relationship at your age – what with the hormones and all, you're all clearly unstable! Maybe turn your interests to something less emotionally damaging! I tell ya, Mr. J, when we have kids, they are never dating!"

"Uh huh," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "But I think there's a solution to both your problems!" he said, beaming at Jackie and Craig. "Why don't you two start dating? Then you could get over this girl, and you could fulfill your ambition of sleeping with a bad boy. Everyone wins!"

"Nah, she's not my type," said Craig, glaring at Jackie.

"Ditto," retorted Jackie, not looking up from her phone. "Hashtag barf."

"Yeah, not a pan, I guess," sighed Harley. "I don't understand why they gotta be so difficult."

"Because they have no idea what real life is like," growled Two-Face. "They think being criminals and being locked up is all one big game. Well, it ain't a game, kid. And it'll ruin your whole future. Do you wanna end up in a cell in Blackgate for the rest of your life?"

"I dunno," said Craig, shrugging. "Beats being a lawyer like my dad."

Two-Face was silent. "I can't argue with that," he said at last. "But there are lots of other things you could do with your life than be a lawyer. Aren't there any things you're good at in school, that you enjoy doing? Sports or anything?"

"I'm not good enough to play sports professionally," muttered Craig.

"Maybe not, but there's nothing wrong with hobbies," said Two-Face. "And maybe you could work in sports without playing 'em. There are lots of fulfilling things you can do with your life, and a young person has so much potential…"

"Nah, forget it, Harv," interrupted Joker. "This kid's cracked the secret. It's true – everyone has lied to you for your entire life," he said, turning to Craig with a solemn face devoid of his usual smile. "You've spent your life so far sitting around schools learning pointless crap, and once you're too old to do that, you have to go out there and find a job which is just more sitting around doing pointless crap. Life is one big waste of time until you die, and nothing makes it better, not a job, not a relationship, not a hobby. And if you try to break out of the cycle of pointless crap by doing things you're not supposed to do, you spend your time locked up in a tiny box with your life run for you, and forced to associate with psycho freaks who wanna hurt you. There's no way you can win – the system's rigged against you. So my advice to you is to go kill yourself."

"J, that's not helpful…" began Two-Face.

"I'm serious," said Joker. "You had a girlfriend, but she dumped you, and frankly, she was probably the best you're gonna get. It doesn't get any easier to form relationships once you get older – in fact, it's kinda impossible. So many people die alone and unloved, just like I'm sure you're gonna. I mean, your big plan to win her back didn't work, did it?"

"No," muttered Craig. "But you have a girlfriend, so…"

"I seriously hope you're not comparing yourself to me," interrupted Joker. "And you think there are lots of women out there like Harley, do you? Well, you're wrong there, kid. Harley's one of a kind. Just like I am," he added, nodding at Jackie. "You both have no hope of finding someone who loves you like she loves me, completely unconditionally and unquestioningly loyal. Most relationships aren't like ours, you know. Most relationships are hives of backstabbing, cheating, and pain. Just look at Harvey and the Weed Lady," he said, nodding at them.

"I wouldn't describe it like that…" began Two-Face.

"No, he's right about relationships as a whole though," said Ivy. "More trouble than they're worth, which is why I avoid them."

"Life is pain, to quote _The Princess Bride_," continued Joker. "I mean, do you think I'm a happy guy behind the clown persona? I'm not. Bats is the only one who truly understands, which is why I'm so obsessed with him – he reveals the truth behind my smile. Life is dark, depressing, and futile. It's completely hopeless, and there's no hope for improvement. Who you are is who you're gonna be forever, and what you are is a loser who lost his girlfriend, and who couldn't even hold up a gas station properly. Even by criminal standards, that's pathetic. They sent you here because they know there's no hope for you, and they were secretly probably hoping we'd kill you, or you'd kill yourself. Your parents don't care about you, or they wouldn't have let you come here – they probably never had time for you anyway. Nobody who actually wants you would want you to be in here, and the fact that you are here means you're the lowest of the low, a complete loser they sent to the biggest losers in all of Gotham. I mean, we can't even beat a guy in a Halloween costume, for Christ's sake. And we're all the products of pain - I got pushed into some acid which permanently disfigured me. Harvey had a similar thing happen. Plant Lady was poisoned by the guy who supposedly loved her, and Harley here gets beaten constantly by me, who does love her. We're sick freaks, the lowest of the low, and you're even lower than us. So there's utterly no hope for you. If you're lucky, you'll end up like us, in constant physical and mental agony. So if I were you, I'd take the easy way out. You don't have anything to look forward to, because life is chaotic, random, and meaningless. It's completely pointless, and not funny. And you know what you do when a joke's not funny, don't you? You end it."

Craig said nothing. "You take my advice – you go up the stairs to the top of the tower, and you jump," said Joker. "That's quick, and not much can go wrong. And the pain you feel when you hit the ground will be nothing compared to how much pain you'll be in the rest of your life if you don't jump."

Craig nodded slowly, and left the room, followed by Jackie. Joker immediately brightened, giggling madly to himself. "What are you sad sacks so miserable about?" he asked, noticing everyone's gloomy faces.

"That was dark, J," said Two-Face. "Bleak and depressing and sadly true…"

"Oh, no it wasn't!" snapped Joker. "God, you people actually fell for it?! It was a joke! Like all nihilism, just one big stupid joke! If nothing matters, that's a cause for celebration, not depression and suicide! If nothing matters, you can spend all your time on earth living for fleeting, selfish pleasures, like jokes made on unsuspecting, weak-minded idiots! Which you people so obviously are! Our lives are amazing! We're fed and clothed for free, we can do pretty much whatever we want with Leland in charge, and when we want to leave Arkham, it's simple enough to break out and do whatever the hell we want out in Gotham, and the Bat's powerless to stop us! And if you think I'm not actually happy and that I'm hiding how depressed I am behind a clown persona, then you don't know the first thing about me. Life is a never-ending roller-coaster of fun and frolics! And what kinda boring loser wants to get off a roller-coaster? God, to think you bought that emo crap that only dumb teenagers are stupid enough to swallow! You're a bunch of morons!"

"I didn't buy it, puddin'," said Harley, cuddling him. "You showed me the real truth a long time ago, which you can only see if you break free of the chains of sanity. But I guess, y'know, breaking free of the chains of life will give a similar kinda freedom."

"You're really ok with sending two vulnerable teenagers off to go commit suicide?" demanded Ivy.

Harley shrugged. "One insulted Mr. J, and one wanted to sleep with him, which is an insult to me. People who insult us deserve to die."

"That's my girl," said Joker, kissing her. "Hey, hopefully spending any time at all with Johnny and Jervis has driven the other one to suicide, and then it'll be a hat trick! And all without touching a hair on their heads! Oh, I'm a genius for harming people, pooh!"

"You sure are, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing him. "And now when we have our own kids, we'll know what to avoid come their teenage years, and make sure they don't turn out like these ones. So all in all, it was a good experience for us."

"It'll be the last experience these kids have," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin, which landed good side up. "I'm gonna go stop 'em," he muttered, storming after them.

"Good luck!" chuckled Joker. "Once I plant an idea in someone's head, it's planted good! I'm like a destructive mental gardener, ain't I, Pammie?" he chuckled.

"No," retorted Ivy. "You're like a destructive bulldozer who destroys young plants trying to grow. Less of a person and more of a tool, in every sense of that word."

"Oh come on, those kids would be of no value to society anyway if they fell for my joke," said Joker, shrugging. "They're clearly not gonna be very good citizens or criminals. I wouldn't even hire 'em as henchmen, and that's really the lowest bar for criminals in this town. And if this little suicide gag can do some societal good, as well as being hilarious, then what's the harm?"

Ivy rolled her eyes. "I'm going after them too," she muttered, storming toward the door. "Not that I should interfere in more meatsacks wanting to kill themselves and reducing their carbon footprint, which could only be a positive thing for the planet…but I was a difficult teenager too."


	5. Chapter 5

"Are you feeling any better?" asked Jervis Tetch, as Norman straightened up from the trash can he'd buried his face in.

"Yeah, I think…I'm ok now," he gasped. "I'm sorry, I'm just…not used to being in trouble. This whole thing has really, really freaked me out."

"Well, one of the dangers of criminal behavior is the risk that you'll get caught," retorted Crane. "I certainly wouldn't engage in it if I couldn't mentally or physically deal with that risk."

"I didn't think I would get caught," retorted Norman. "Nobody's ever been able to detect my forgeries before…"

"Well, children your age don't always think ahead," agreed Tetch. "Or fully appreciate the consequences of risky behavior."

"I…I haven't hurt anyone…that is, I didn't mean to hurt anyone…and I don't think anyone was hurt because of me," stammered Norman. "I know it's illegal, but…it just didn't seem like a big deal. But now I'm in Arkham Asylum, of all places, with the most dangerous people in the world…"

He trailed off, burying his face in the wastebasket again. "Look, there's really no reason to be afraid…" began Tetch.

"Speak for yourself," interrupted Crane. "I am the God of Fear, and if I can help this young man by instilling the appropriate level of terror into him so he'll appreciate the consequences of his actions, it's really the least I can do."

"I don't believe in scaring people for their own good," retorted Tetch.

"Well, I do," retorted Crane. "That's basically my entire reason for being."

"Did you enjoy being terrified when you were a teenager?" demanded Tetch. "And did you learn any positive lessons from that?"

Crane slowly shook his head. "Fine," he muttered. "We'll try it your way."

"Thank you," said Tetch. "I just don't think it's useful frightening young people half to death to teach them a lesson. It's not an effective way to convey anything. This young man has made a serious mistake, and I think he appreciates that. Adding to his terror achieves nothing but an upset stomach on his part."

"I just thought…I was helping people out," stammered Norman. "And because of what I was doing, for the first time ever, I knew what it felt like to be…popular. I've just never…been appreciated like that before. The fact that it was illegal didn't matter compared with the sense of happiness I felt at being…accepted and admired for once in my life."

"We understand," said Tetch, gently. "Don't we, Jonathan?"

Crane grunted noncommittally. "How were your illegal activities discovered?" asked Tetch. "Was it Batman?"

"Uh…no," said Norman. "It was a kid in my class. He always used to bully me, so when he asked me to make him a fake ID, I told him no. So he said he would tell the principal what I was doing. And I…didn't back down. I still told him no. For once, I stood up for myself, and look where it's got me," he sighed. "I guess there's a valuable lesson there."

"No, there is not!" snapped Crane. "The valuable lesson is that you did the right thing! Standing up for yourself is not a crime - it's the bravest thing someone can do! Particularly against a bully, and hang the repercussions! I had to switch schools after I attacked a bully with a knife, but it was worth all the trouble it caused me! My dignity was worth the inconvenience, and so is yours! For God's sake, have some pride in yourself!"

"I don't know how to do that," murmured Norman. "The one thing I had going for me was that I was good at school, good enough to get into a good college and maybe make something of my life. But now with a criminal charge on my record, no good college is gonna accept me. I'm a felon, and there's no future for me now. I might as well just give up and accept that I'm gonna be locked up in a place similar to here forever."

"Well, most prisons aren't nearly so nice as Arkham," replied Crane. "So might I suggest taking on some kind of costumed persona? I know Gotham is chock full of them already, but my feeling is that you can never have enough inconveniences for the Bat."

Tetch was silent. "How did you produce your fake IDs?" he asked Norman. "You used computers, I assume?"

"Yeah," said Norman, nodding. "I'm good with computers."

"All aspects of computers, or just Photoshop?" asked Tetch.

"No, I was gonna major in computer science in college," said Norman. "I wanted to be a programmer, but I guess that dream's never gonna happen…"

"Not with that attitude," interrupted Tetch. "Anyway, if you have computer skills, I would recommend using those to bend reality to your will. People say such ideas are nonsense, but since the future is in virtual reality and artificial intelligence, who's to say what's nonsense anymore?"

"What do you mean?" asked Norman, confused.

"I mean you're only a felon so long as the felony appears on your record," said Tetch. "And you're only not accepted in college as long as the college records reflect that. If they were to be changed, via hacking, for example…well, that reality would be quite a different one for you, wouldn't it?"

"That's…illegal…" stammered Norman.

"Oh, and now you're concerned about legality, are you?" interrupted Tetch. "You've already crossed that line once, and it gets easier every time you do it, trust me."

"You seem like a fairly intelligent young man," agreed Crane. "You should use that intelligence however you can, and not worry about nebulous concepts like ethics and morality and the law. That's for lesser minded individuals. Anyway, if you were smart enough to get yourself into this mess, you're smart enough to get yourself out. It's better than just giving up and following the supervillain path anyway – I'm honestly not sure we need another nerdy enemy of Batman around here. I dislike competition, and what would your persona even be? The Hacker? The Computer Geek? I just don't see that striking terror into people's hearts. Better that you give it up, and stick to petty cybercrime. Batman has his hands full with actual crime in Gotham and can't be bothered with anything on the internet."

"What about the government?" asked Norman. "Don't they track cybercrime?"

"Have you ever known the government to be competent at anything?" demanded Crane. "That's the reason this town needs Batman, because the government's given up on policing it."

"Yes, it's one of many reasons why I don't believe in conspiracy theories," agreed Tetch, nodding. "Those all seem to imply a competent and all powerful government elite who can keep secrets and know exactly how to manipulate a credulous electorate, while my experience of the government indicates that they're the exact opposite. If there were aliens, the government would have blown that secret years ago. It's made up of a bunch of incompetent individuals who have no idea what they're doing, and are somehow inexplicably the most powerful people in the world."

"Yes, that's a secret I wish I'd learned long ago, as a young man," said Crane. "When you're your age, you think everyone out in the real world is a lot smarter and wiser than you. But the truth is, adults are mostly a bunch of idiots who have no idea how to do anything. You're probably above the average intelligence of most of them, and the sooner you realize that, the less you'll be afraid of being caught or outsmarted by them. That might help with your stress and all its attendant, unpleasant results as well."

"We might be able to solve all your problems today," said Tetch, standing up. "Let's ask Dr. Leland if we can use a computer."

They left the room to see Arkham in chaos – Dr. Leland was shouting at the guards to stay back as Ivy and Two-Face struggled to restrain the two teenagers fighting to get toward the stairs.

"Let go of me!" shrieked Jackie, as she fought against Ivy. "I gotta livestream my suicide! That'll make people love me!"

"You're not killing yourself, and you're certainly not killing yourself in front of millions of people on the internet!" snapped Ivy. "That's demeaning! You should never kill anyone for attention, only for the necessity of saving the planet!"

"You can't make me do anything – you're not my dad!" shouted Craig, who was trying to break away from Two-Face.

"No, but I was a lawyer too!" shouted Two-Face. "And assisted suicide is a crime! And a good lawyer could interpret turning a blind eye to suicide as assisting the suicide! You don't wanna commit another crime, do you?"

"It doesn't matter – nothing matters, just like Joker said!" exclaimed Craig. "And he's right!"

"For God's sake, I knew letting Joker emotionally abuse people would lead to this!" exclaimed Dr. Leland. "Why doesn't anyone listen to me? I know psychology, and I know the patients, so why the hell wouldn't my expertise be as valid as anyone else's?! Jonathan, Jervis, where are you going with that teenager?" she demanded, noticing them suddenly.

"We were wondering if we could borrow a computer, Dr. Leland," said Tetch.

"Yes, to illustrate the dangers of a life of crime – there are much more relevant examples of that on the internet than in here," lied Crane. "I told this young man that if he continued with his life of crime, he wouldn't end up in any place so nice as Arkham – Blackgate's a total dump, from what I hear."

"Ok, just as long as you're not encouraging him to kill himself, I don't care what you do," snapped Dr. Leland. "You can use the computer in my office."

"Thank you," said Tetch, as they headed in that direction. "I'm not a master of computer technology myself – my work is usually more big picture stuff, controlling minds and bending the fabric of reality, that kind of thing. Computers are a bit too practical for my rather fanciful mind, but in the hands of an intelligent, capable young man, doing this kind of thing should be a walk in the park."

"I've just never hacked anything this big before," said Norman. "I mean, we're talking government databases and university files…"

"Trust me, the university I used to work at had terrible security," interrupted Crane. "It was simple enough for me to hack into the system and change a few things on my permanent record, and I'm comparatively limited in my computer skills. Would you like to attend Gotham University, or maybe somewhere a bit more prestigious? I'd certainly recommend the latter – Gotham University tends to want to crush curiosity rather than encourage it. Plus I do lead attacks there from time to time, so you might very well be in danger. I'd recommend someplace out of state – Harvard maybe?"

"I can't get into Harvard!" exclaimed Norman. "My grades are good, but they're not that good!"

"They're as good as you want them to be," said Tetch, turning on the computer and opening up Gotham High's website. "Oh yes, this system is simplicity itself. We'll start by changing your grades, and then removing your criminal record, and then sending out university applications. Of course grades aren't the only things that matter when being accepted into university – we'll say you have a great extracurricular record as class president, maybe star of the football team and head of the debating society…"

"And you don't think we'll get caught doing any of this?" interrupted Norman, who looked absolutely terrified, and on the verge of projectile vomiting again.

Tetch and Crane shared a look. "Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?" asked Tetch.

"Yes, faint heart never won fair future," agreed Crane. "And while you're at it, hacking into things and all, perhaps you could do a small favor for us…"


	6. Chapter 6

"So you see, you should never take the Joker at his word," Dr. Leland was saying, as Craig and Jackie sat in the Rec Room, after being reluctantly dragged back there by Two-Face and Ivy respectively. "He's a clown, so nothing he says is serious."

"But if you know your Shakespeare, the clown characters are always the wisest," spoke up Joker. "After all, life's a joke, so how else to seriously respond to it but with comedy?"

"Shut up, Joker!" snapped Dr. Leland. "I'm trying to undo the damage you've done just by speaking to these children for five minutes! I knew it was a mistake to let you talk to them, just like I knew it was a mistake to let Harley analyze you!"

"But you let her do that anyway," said Joker, nodding. "Just like you let the kids talk to me. This is a valuable lesson for you, Doc, about listening to your gut."

"Are you really trying to teach _me_ valuable lessons?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"I dunno why you're blaming Mr. J for speaking the truth," said Harley. "You got a problem with the message, you should attack the message, not the messenger. You can't say Mr. J's view is invalid just because he's a clown, or just because he's insane. He's got just as much right to speak as you."

Dr. Leland sighed. "Ok, let's attack the message," she said, forcing a smile. "I can't believe I'm even having to explain this, but of course life is worth living…"

"Is it?" interrupted Joker. "What's so great about your life?"

"Lots of things," snapped Dr. Leland. "I love my job…"

"Do you?" interrupted Joker again. "You like playing Buzzword Bingo with bureaucratic morons, even with the reward of a free lunch?"

"Of course there are downsides to any job, but I enjoy dealing with my patients…" began Dr. Leland.

"Then you must be having lots of fun right now," finished Joker, beaming at her.

Dr. Leland sighed again. "Again, some days are better than others," she said. "But I feel like I'm making a difference as a force for good in the world…"

"But those same patients you're trying to help break out and kill lots of people routinely," interrupted Joker. "And nothing you do has stopped that. I'm not saying you're a force for evil in the world, but you're certainly doing nothing to change it for the better. You're just tediously neutral, like most people. But that's nothing to be ashamed of – I'm just saying that nothing about your life is particularly special or worthwhile."

"I think the fact that I've put up with you for however long without trying to kill you, which is what every other head doctor in here has tried to do, counts as special," retorted Dr. Leland.

"Does it? Or does it just make you a force for evil?" asked Joker, grinning. "After all, killing me would prevent a lot more murders in the future. The fact that you and Bats keep turning aside from the necessary act of sacrificing my life for the greater good proves that you're cowards who are more concerned with your feelings than the common welfare. And it might make you feel better about yourself not to kill me, but leaving me alive is objectively the wrong thing to do, and will inflict a lot of damage on society. You know this, but you refuse to confront it, making yourself, albeit a passive one, a force for evil."

"I know that's your little joke about Batman, and I know that's one of the reasons why you love winding him up," retorted Dr. Leland. "Because if he kills you, you win at making him break his moral code, and if he doesn't kill you, you win at murdering lots of other people which he could have prevented. I'm well aware of your little Catch-22 where he's concerned, and how it never ceases to amuse you. But let me just remind you, that as much as you've influenced his life, and vice versa, I've influenced yours, which makes me a force for good from your perspective, which is probably very galling for you."

"I don't see how," retorted Joker. "I'm the same devil-may-care charmer I always was, with a wisdom belied by my perpetual smile."

"Well, as you reminded me earlier, I was the one who let Harley analyze you," replied Dr. Leland with a grin. "And your girlfriend has certainly improved your life, hasn't she?"

Joker said nothing. "Of course I have!" said Harley, beaming. "Just think what your life would have been like if I hadn't come along, Mr. J!"

"Yes, just think," agreed Dr. Leland, nodding. "And I may not approve of everything about your relationship, but I do believe Harley has had a positive influence on you – she's brought out some of your least objectionable and more human qualities, like showing that you do have a vulnerable and tender side…"

"That's a goddamn lie!" interrupted Joker.

"No, it ain't," retorted Harley. "You do love me, doncha, puddin'? And that means you have a vulnerable and tender side, because that's what love is."

"I don't love her, and I don't know what you're talking about," snapped Joker.

"Aw, sure you do, puddin'," purred Harley, nuzzling his cheek. "You're just such a kidder is all. Mr. J does lots of nice things for me in private, and he has a tender side he'd never dare show to the general public. Well, you know, Joan, you've seen it," she said, nodding at Dr. Leland. "When that evil doctor took over from you, Mr. J rescued me from his clutches, and then offered to kill me rather than make me go back to 'em. And you're right, that kinda selflessness is something that's come from our relationship, which we never woulda had without you letting me analyze him. I don't think we give you enough credit for what you've done, actually," she added. "Remind me to invite you to the wedding."

"I know one of the few good and meaningful things you think Batman has done has been to create the Joker," continued Dr. Leland. "Well, I created Harley, and you'll always owe me for that."

"_I _created Harley!" roared Joker.

"Actually, technically I created Harley," corrected Harley. "Because it's my life and all. But Joan certainly helped create our relationship. We'll call her instrumental in making Joley, how about that?"

"You certainly wouldn't have her without me," said Dr. Leland, smiling at Joker. "And isn't that an encouraging thought? Even if my life is objectively meaningless, as you say, I've done one good thing with it – I've united two loving hearts together forever, and that's something even the Joker would have to acknowledge as meaningful, since it applies to him and all. So you see, kids, even if you do think your life is bleak and hopeless, you can end up influencing other people for good in ways you can't even imagine yet," she said, turning to the teenagers. "So don't give up on it. There's much more to your life than you can appreciate right now, and by living it fully, you help not only yourself, but other people, whether they want it or not," she added, smirking at Joker. "None of us can foresee the effect we can have on others, and that's as good a reason as any for not giving up on life."

"Aw, that's sweet, Joan," said Harley, beaming at her. "What a good mantra, huh, Mr. J?"

"I don't owe you anything!" snapped Joker, glaring at Dr. Leland. "If anything, I resent you for placing the millstone that is Harley around my neck!"

"Well, that's even better, from your perspective," said Dr. Leland, smiling. "I mean, you always think people stuck in unpleasant situations is funny, so by your own definition, it's a good joke on you, isn't it? And I'm the one who played that good joke on the Joker. So who's laughing now, J?"

"Whatever," growled Joker, shoving Harley off his lap.

He stormed off to his cell without another word, with Harley racing after him calling, "Puddin'? Puddin'? If you're in a bad mood and wanna beat something, I'm right here!"

"There, you see?" said Dr. Leland, beaming at the teenagers. "If you need another reason to stay alive, do it out of petty spite in order to win verbal confrontations with deranged maniacs. There's no more satisfying feeling, let me tell you."

"That was brilliant, Dr. Leland," sighed Ivy. "It's always good to see J getting beaten by a woman. It's good to see him getting beaten by anyone, really, but especially a woman."

"Hashtag Feminism101," spoke up Jackie. "Now I wanna be a doctor when I grow up."

"Well, stay in school, kids," said Dr. Leland, nodding. "Because you're gonna need a lot of it."

"I guess there are some good reasons to stay alive," muttered Craig. "My sister and stuff."

"Yeah, and I wanna do a smackdown on someone like Dr. Leland just did," agreed Jackie, who had turned her phone around. "Because watching her drop the mic on the Joker was legit awesome. What did you think of the livestream, everyone? Let me know in the comments! JackieStreamer2649 is out, peace!"

"Wait, you were filming that?" asked Dr. Leland, frowning.

"I film everything," retorted Jackie. "It's called livestreaming, and this one is gonna go viral, especially after I re-upload it with the title 'Feminist Doc Schools the Joker.' Look at all these reacts already…"

"No, no, no, don't do that," said Dr. Leland, trying to grab the phone away. "Despite the whole clown thing, the Joker does not take kindly to public humiliation…"

"It's too late," said Jackie, grabbing the phone back. "It's out there on the internet. And the internet is forever."

Dr. Leland stared at her, and then turned to face Two-Face and Ivy, horrified. "He's gonna kill me," she whispered.

"Yeah, but look on the bright side," said Two-Face. "No more boring, bureaucratic meetings for you to go to."

"Thanks, Harvey, that's helpful," said Dr. Leland, sarcastically.

"The coin landed good side up," said Two-Face, shrugging. "So that's me seeing the positive side of things."

"Hey, it'll blow over – things on social media always do," said Ivy. "J probably won't even see it before it's lost in the vast web of triviality that is the internet. Unless it's picked up by the mainstream media, of course…"

They turned to look at the TV news, which was on but muted, and which had just switched to the headline: _Joker's Epic Fail _as it started playing the video footage.

"Yeah, you're dead," agreed Ivy.

"But you're internet famous," added Jackie. "So that's worth dying for."

Dr. Leland said nothing, but headed back to her office to do what little damage control she could. "I knew this was a terrible idea," she muttered. "If I live through this, the next time those bureaucratic idiots tell me how to run my own asylum, I'm gonna tell 'em to go swallow a Batarang."


	7. Chapter 7

Dr. Leland opened the door to her office to see Norman seated at her computer with Tetch and Crane watching over his shoulder. "Wait, wait, wait, what are you doing?" she demanded, noticing the material flashing up on the screen.

"Dr. Leland, we were doing…nothing," stammered Crane, as Norman instantly closed the window and buried his face in the nearby trashcan.

"Right, because that's what innocent people always say," retorted Dr. Leland. "I thought you were trying to show Norman the consequences of criminal behavior, and to do that you're engaging in criminal behavior?! Just what were you trying to hack?!"

"The Arkham internal security system," explained Tetch. "We were going to set off the emergency alarm, and then make our escape while everyone was distracted."

"Jervis, I'm really surprised at you," said Dr. Leland. "And disappointed. I thought we were making progress in your moral and ethical development, but we must not be if you can use a teenager as a shield for your own illegal activities. Which just reinforces the Joker's theory that my life is meaningless, and I don't have a positive influence on anyone," she sighed, sinking down at her desk. "Maybe his killing me won't be a great loss if I really am that useless as a psychiatrist."

"Why is the Joker going to kill you?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"I verbally humiliated him, and one of the teenagers filmed it," sighed Dr. Leland. "So now it's out on the internet. And you know how well the Joker takes public humiliation, and how he usually deals with it by publicly murdering the person who humiliated him. My days are definitely numbered – I just gotta hope he'll be in a generous mood and make it quick, although considering he'll wanna illustrate the horrible fate of people who put him down, I'm guessing he won't be."

"No, no, no, he can't do that!" exclaimed Tetch.

"Yes, I won't stand for it," said Crane, firmly. "You're the best head doctor we've ever had, and I won't let Joker put a stop to that."

"No offense, you two, but I'm honestly not sure you're in any position to stop the Joker from doing anything," replied Dr. Leland. "I mean, I've seen the way he bullies you, and you're not capable of putting a stop to that."

"Yes, but I've just told Norman about the importance of standing up to bullies," said Crane, patting Norman's shoulder, who still had his face buried in the trash can. "And that is what we must do, to be good role models for this young man."

"Thanks, but I really don't want you to get killed trying to protect me," said Dr. Leland. "The last thing I want to do is feel responsible for somebody else's death besides my own. I should probably call a lawyer – make sure my will's in order…" she sighed, picking up the telephone.

"Has Joker seen this video yet?" asked Tetch, putting his hand over the receiver before she could dial.

"No, but it's only a matter of time," she sighed. "The news has picked it up, so I imagine it's gonna be floating around for a while."

"Possibly," agreed Tetch, nodding. "But we know how unreliable the news is."

"What are you saying?" asked Dr. Leland, puzzled.

"I'm saying we claim it was a hoax video," said Tetch. "The last thing the news media wants to do is appear foolish, although they do very frequently, especially of late. But if a video is proved to be faked, they'll stop reporting on it, and indeed do their best to hush up that they ever fell for the hoax. If that happened, Joker would be highly unlikely to ever find this video even if he knew where to look for it."

"I doubt Jackie will agree to lie about it being real," said Dr. Leland. "She's over the moon at having made a viral video. She would never risk losing all that fame by saying she faked it – that would be the end of her presence online."

"It will be a good lesson for her," said Tetch, nodding. "She needs to be careful what she puts out on the internet. Perhaps it will teach her some humility, and once she's an internet pariah, she can turn her attention to more healthy interests."

"But we can't force her to say she faked it," said Dr. Leland. "I wouldn't feel comfortable threatening a teenager to lie, especially since the whole point of them being here is to show them how important it is to be morally upright citizens."

"Well, it's sometimes morally upright to lie, if it's for a good cause," said Tetch. "Like saving someone's life."

"Yes, say the word, Dr. Leland, and I'll fear gas the little brat until she agrees to admit she faked the video…" began Crane.

"No, Jonathan, that's all right," interrupted Dr. Leland. "Maybe we don't need her to do that. I mean, it was me in the video…maybe I could just release my own video saying that this was intended for just a few people to see, and I never intended it to go viral. I can say that because it got out, I feared for my life from Joker, which is true, and decided to admit it was all staged by me."

"Why would you stage something like that in the first place, though?" asked Crane.

"So that…people would respect me," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "People who are always telling me how to run my asylum."

"But if you say that, and then expose it as a fraud, people are going to doubt you even more than they already do," said Tetch. "You'll have to put up with even more interference by the powers that be."

"Hey, it's better than being horribly murdered," sighed Dr. Leland. "But to expose it as a hoax properly, we'll need proof, to show how we did it. I mean, I'll confess and all, but somebody is gonna have to pretend they were acting opposite me in the video. Harley will probably be up for lying about it and saying she went along with it as a favor to me, but how do we get Joker to play along without telling him why?"

"We could have someone claim they dressed up like the Joker for the video, without it actually being him," said Tetch. "If it was video from a phone, the quality won't be too clear."

"That might work for the visual, but the audio is a problem," said Dr. Leland. "Joker has a very distinctive voice. How would we say we faked that?"

"I'm sure we can easily splice together clips from other footage of him for the audio," said Tetch. "He's been all over the news over the years, so there's a lot to work with, and I'm sure a young man who can fake IDs can fake audio."

"I can do that," agreed Norman, nodding. "Synthesizing his voice shouldn't be a problem. And as long as I'm not getting in trouble for doing this borderline illegal thing, I'm happy to help you out."

"We just need someone of roughly the same build to pretend to be Joker for the visual aspect," continued Tetch, looking pointedly at Crane.

"No," snapped Crane. "No, under no circumstances will I dress up like that lunatic and pretend that I'm him. I will not stoop to debase myself by impersonating that laughing hyena. I was just telling Norman about the importance of self-respect, and I could never respect myself again if I did that."

Dr. Leland shared a look with Tetch. "Well, to be convincing, we'd need to illustrate how the video was staged by re-staging it," said Dr. Leland. "But I'm sure Harley will help with that - she was seated on Joker's lap the whole time, being very affectionate with him."

Crane said nothing. "What?" he asked, lightly.

"Harley was seated on Joker's lap throughout the video, cuddling and caressing him," repeated Dr. Leland. "I'm sure she'd be happy to comply with re-staging it by doing the same with our fake Joker."

Crane was silent. "I suppose, as a favor to Dr. Leland, I can suffer the indignity of impersonating Joker," he sighed heavily. "But please note that it is under duress."

"Wonderful," said Tetch. "We'll go find Harley. How did you learn about Jonathan's little infatuation?" he asked Dr. Leland as they left the office.

"I'm a psychiatrist, Jervis, I'm observant," retorted Dr. Leland. "But frankly, it's beyond obvious to anyone with a functioning pair of eyes."

"I think you're insulting Harley there, since she has no clue," said Tetch.

"Well, she only has eyes for the Joker," sighed Dr. Leland.


	8. Chapter 8

"Fine, if you're gonna sulk, I'll leave you to it!" snapped Harley, storming out of Joker's cell. "You miserable jerk! Here I am ready and willing to be beaten, and you'd rather not be reminded that I exist! Well, two can play at that game! I'm gonna pretend you don't exist too, and go back to being a doctor, which is what I'd still be if you hadn't come along, you ungrateful creep! Honestly, some days I wonder why I bother," she muttered. "I'm sure I could find a guy who doesn't challenge and fight with me, but where would be the fun in that?" she sighed.

"Harley, could we have a word?" asked Tetch, as he and Dr. Leland met her in her cell.

"Sure – I don't have anything better to do since my boyfriend is being a huge jerk who doesn't wanna punish me for his bad mood," muttered Harley. "It's selfish, I tell ya. If you're angry, you should share the violence around, not sulk by yourself in a corner. That's not a normal reaction from a homicidal supercriminal, which is the man I fell in love with. When did he become too good to hit me, huh? When did he decide to channel his rage healthily by keeping it to himself? I blame Red – she's kept on and on at him about not abusing me that it's subliminally influenced him in some way, and now he won't even give me the boot outta his room anymore! Looks like I'm gonna have to retrain him all over again when we get outta here," she sighed. "I mean, casual violence is the basis of our sex life, and I sure as hell ain't giving that up."

"Quite," said Tetch, sharing a look with Dr. Leland. "Anyway, we were hoping you would do us a small favor. We're trying to recreate the scene that just happened in the Rec Room between Dr. Leland and the Joker, so we'd like you to re-enact it, if possible."

"Why?" asked Harley.

"Because it was filmed," said Dr. Leland. "And posted on the internet. And you know how well Joker's gonna handle that."

"I dunno – maybe he'll just sulk some more," retorted Harley. "Frankly, if it makes him snap outta this mood he's in and angry enough to take action, I don't see the problem with it being out there."

"The problem is he'll kill me," said Dr. Leland. "And you wouldn't want that, would you?"

"I sure wouldn't," agreed Harley. "Not after all you've done for our relationship – that's worth at least your life. But how are we gonna re-enact what just happened without Mr. J?"

"Well, Jonathan is going to pretend to be Joker," said Tetch. "It shouldn't be too difficult – they're roughly the same build, and we're all wearing the same uniforms in here. All he needs is some makeup and hair dye, which I'm sure Dr. Leland can easily purchase from a nearby pharmacy…"

"Johnny doesn't look anything like puddin'," interrupted Harley, frowning.

"It'll be close enough to fool the masses, I think," said Tetch. "And Norman is going to synthesize his voice – the young man is quite skilled with computer technology. I think he has a real future in it. It's sort of ironic, really, that one of the teenagers here has tried to destroy everything via the internet, and another is going to save everything via the internet. Of course I've always believed the internet is a tool, like anything else, and not a bad or good thing in itself - it just depends on the people who use it…"

"Jervis, I'd love to hear your thoughts at our next session, but we really don't have the time right now," interrupted Dr. Leland. "Harley, if you could please go clear out the Rec Room - Harvey and Ivy can stay, but get the teenagers to head to the exercise yard or something. I'll head to the pharmacy to get the makeup, and Jervis, you get Norman all set up with the computer, and then help Jonathan prepare. We need to do this as soon as possible – the longer this video is out there, the greater the danger that Joker will see it."

"I don't see how he could," said Harley. "He doesn't have a phone or TV in his cell, and he's probably gonna stay in there for a while. Of course, saying that, Mr. J does a lotta things you don't always expect he could. He always finds a way to surprise you – that's what I love about him," she sighed.

"I thought you said he was a huge jerk," said Tetch.

"Yeah, but that was like two minutes ago, and I can't stay mad at him for very long," said Harley, shrugging. "That's the key to love and a lasting relationship – forgiveness. And Mr. J always needs a lotta that," she sighed, heading off to the Rec Room.

When Dr. Leland returned from her quick shopping trip, she found the Rec Room deserted except for Crane, Tetch, Ivy, and Two-Face. "Where's Harley?" she asked, handing Crane the bag of makeup, and handing Tetch a bottle of spray-on temporary green hair dye.

"She took the kids outside – said they needed some fresh air and exercise to help with their mental health," said Two-Face. "I mean, she is a shrink, so maybe that's not completely made up."

"Ok, but she'll be back soon, right?" asked Dr. Leland, pulling out her phone and propping it up to adjust the camera. "I just want this done with as quickly as possible."

"I don't understand how Harley wears this horrid stuff all the time," said Crane, making a face as he spread white makeup across his face and arms. "I can feel my pores clogging already. I always had acne as a teenager, and this will bring it all back, mark my words."

"Keep your mouth and eyes closed while I spray this," said Tetch, putting a blanket over his friend's clothes and then taking the lid off the hair spray. He held the nozzle over Crane's hair, and then spread the color throughout it using his fingers.

"Your lipstick's running – don't you know how to put it on?" demanded Ivy, watching Crane's attempt.

"No, of course not!" he snapped. "When would I ever have worn lipstick?"

"I don't know, but it's not complicated," snapped Ivy, taking the lipstick from him and spreading it onto his lips. "Now rub 'em together to blend it cleanly. We'll need to widen your smile a little to make a convincing Joker," she added, trailing the lipstick onto his cheeks.

"You know, it doesn't look terrible," declared Tetch, stepping back. "I mean, you look a little like you're wearing a Halloween costume, but then so does the Joker. It's certainly passable."

"I think Harley will have to be the judge of that," said Ivy, putting the finishing touches on his smile.

"You understand that I'm doing this as a personal favor to Dr. Leland, don't you?" demanded Crane. "It's not of my own volition, and I certainly don't want to do it."

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks," commented Tetch.

"I am not a lady just because I'm wearing lipstick!" snapped Crane. "But I must say, I have a renewed respect for ladies who do, because it's awful. This whole thing is awful, and nothing will make me feel better about it…"

Harley entered the room at that moment. "Ok, I distracted the kids by downloading that app on their phone where they gotta find the Pokemon…or is it Pokemons? Anyway, it should occupy 'em for some time – apparently there are a lotta rare ones in here…"

She trailed off when she noticed Crane, and stared at him in shock. "Johnny?" she gasped. "Is that you?"

"You mean you can't tell?" he asked, hopefully.

"I can, but…it's really good," said Harley. "You look…a lot more like him than I thought you would. I was expecting it not to work at all, but…wow," she stammered. "It's gonna be no problem acting opposite him!" she laughed. "Well, let's get this done," she added, climbing on to his lap. "I know this is probably a little awkward for you, but you don't mind me getting all cuddly, do you, Johnny?"

"No," he said hastily. "No, not at all. We need to make this look as authentic as possible. For Dr. Leland's sake, of course," he added.

"All right, filming in three…two…one," said Dr. Leland, pressing the record button on her phone. "Hi everyone, this is Dr. Joan Leland, head of Arkham Asylum. Many of you may have seen a video making the rounds on the internet of me getting the better of a certain patient in here, the notorious Joker. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news to everyone who enjoyed that, but the truth is, it's a fake video. The whole thing was staged. See, here's Harley and the Joker recreating the scene – smile and wave, you two," she said, pointing the phone at them. "The truth is, I could never really best the Joker, and I only made this video as a sort of wish fulfillment that I could – in fact, that's not really even the Joker in the video. It's Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow, pretending to be him, because of course the Joker would never volunteer to stage his own humiliation. And I know a lot of you are wondering about how Crane managed to do such a good vocal impression of the Joker – well, that's just through some freely available technology," she said, turning the phone on Tetch, who had brought the computer into the Rec Room and now pressed a button, playing a recording of Joker speaking. "It's amazing what you can do with computers these days," she said. "Anyway, this was a private video intended to illustrate my control over the inmates, and intended only to be shown to a few people, who I could trust to keep it to themselves. But now that it's out on the internet, I feel ethically obliged to inform everyone about the hoax, for my own peace of mind and in very real fear for my life. I'm a little proud of how convincing it all looked, but it's never right to lie, especially with vulnerable teenagers around. I can only apologize for failing in my moral obligation, and assure you that nothing of the kind will ever happen again. There," she said, turning off the recorder. "That sounds like a typical political apology, right? Polished and insincere?"

"Yes, it was spot on," said Tetch.

"Let's just hope it works," said Ivy, flicking on the TV, which had been playing the video. Within thirty seconds, the headline disappeared, and the news anchor swiftly moved on to another social media outrage, where a single randomer's angry comment was making national headlines, and used as evidence of a vast movement of discontent and disorder throughout the country.

"Geez, we'd better get out there and start causing chaos, just to give 'em some real news," commented Two-Face. "They're clearly desperate for anything to keep people's attention fixed on 'em."

"Well, all's well that ends well," sighed Tetch. "And thankfully it looks like Dr. Leland will be with us for quite some time to come, for which I am incredibly grateful."

"Hear, hear," agreed Ivy. "You rock, Doc."

"Thanks, everyone, for all your help," said Dr. Leland. "I'm just glad nobody is gonna have to face the Joker's wrath today…"

She spoke too soon, for the door opened at that moment and Joker entered the Rec Room. "Harley, I've reconsidered that beating…" he began, but his eyes fell on Harley seated on Crane's lap, dressed as him, and his jaw dropped in shock. And then tightened in fury as he hissed, "What...the hell...is this?"


	9. Chapter 9

"It's most certainly not what you think…" began Crane.

"Yeah, it is," interrupted Harley, settling herself on Crane's lap. "I've lost interest in you, clown. Johnny treats me how I should be treated, and now that I've seen his resemblance to you, I see how attractive he is. My type, actually, a tall, thin supercriminal with no regard for human life."

"How dare you compare that skinny nerd to me?" demanded Joker. "He looks like he's from an am-dram production, or some cheap cosplay, or the CW version of me!"

"I ain't that superficial – he doesn't have to look exactly like you," retorted Harley. "But you rejecting me earlier was the final straw – I'm through with you. If you can't even be bothered to take your rage out on me anymore, then I don't know what I'm doing here. I bet Johnny will beat me if I ask him, just like I want, won't you, Johnny?"

"I…um…" stammered Crane.

"There, y'see, he's a wuss!" snapped Joker. "He doesn't have the guts to hit you!"

"Well, neither do you anymore!" snapped Harley.

"It's not about guts – it's about loving and respecting Harley enough not to hurt her!" snapped Crane.

"Well, someone who really loved me would respect the fact that I like being hurt," retorted Harley. "Or do my preferences not matter if they make you uncomfortable? Red's right – people always prioritize the feelings of men over women," she sighed. "Just like my useless ex-boyfriend did earlier by preferring to sulk on his own."

"I'm allowed to change my mind!" snapped Joker.

"Well, so am I," retorted Harley. "And I have. To Johnny."

Joker sighed heavily. "All right," he said, rolling up his sleeves. "How brutally do you want me to murder him? That's what you're angling for, right? You want me to win you back with extreme violence – that's always worked before…"

"No, I don't want you to hurt Johnny!" shouted Harley, standing up and facing him. "For the last time, I want you to hurt me!"

"Stop, stop, stop!" said Dr. Leland, stepping in between them. "This is not some demented ploy by Harley to get you jealous!"

"Yes, it is, Joan," said Harley, pointedly. "Because why else would we be doing this?"

"I don't want him to hurt you or Jonathan," snapped Dr. Leland. "The truth is, we were staging this…"

"As a play," finished Tetch, interrupting her. "A play…about how you and Harley met. As a surprise. For your anniversary."

"It's not our anniversary," said Joker, puzzled.

"Not our anniversary as a couple, but it is the anniversary of the day when you first held my hand in therapy," agreed Harley. "Remember that, puddin'? You were getting all emotional at remembering how your dad beat you, and I held your hand, and felt electricity shooting through me, and I thought you were wearing your joy buzzer, but you weren't, it was just true love…"

"That's not an anniversary!" snapped Joker. "Not every first time we did something is an anniversary! And why on earth would all you idiots take part in Harley's madness like this?" he demanded, rounding on them. "Learn to tell her no! She's like a spoiled child you just have to be firm with! And speaking of spoiled children, where are the teens?" he asked, looking around.

"They didn't want to participate in the play," said Ivy. "Said it was for losers, and decided to go outside and play Pokemon Go instead."

"Wow, they probably shouldn't call other people losers, then," retorted Joker. "What a bunch of nerds. Anyway, aren't we meant to be trying to influence them and illustrating some hard truths about life? Well, life is about having to do things you don't always wanna do, including participating in random acts of dramatic theater. I woulda thought you of all people would have wanted to instill these lessons into 'em, Doc," he said to Dr. Leland. "And if forced theatrics won't drive 'em to suicide, nothing will. I'll go get 'em," he added, heading for the door.

Dr. Leland let out the breath she had been holding after it shut. "That was close…"

"Joan, you shoulda just let me rile him!" exclaimed Harley. "That woulda ended well for everyone!"

"Could you guarantee he wouldn't have gone after Jonathan for impersonating him and trying to replace him?" demanded Dr. Leland. "I think you underestimate how jealous he can get!"

"He's got no reason to be jealous of Johnny!" snapped Harley. "Johnny don't have feelings for me in that way, do ya, Johnny?" she asked, turning to him.

"The Joker certainly doesn't need reasons to hurt people," spoke up Tetch, before his friend could respond. "Honestly, Harley, I do think this is for the best. I'm sure you can find some other way to make your paramour attack you if that's what you desire."

"Yeah, but it's more work for me," sighed Harley.

"All right, kiddies, enough with your phones and your Pokemons and whatever else the young people are into," said Joker, leading them back into the Rec Room. "You're going to learn vital social skills to get along in the real world, and nothing is better at teaching vital social skills than the theater. That's because everyone's acting for most of their lives, and the people you meet are always gonna portray some character rather than their true selves, so it helps to have a character of your own, and know how to improvise…"

"Oh my God, what the hell?!" shrieked Jackie, who had closed down Pokemon Go to find hundreds of notifications informing her of angry messages directed at her. "I did not upload a hoax video! What the hell happened…oh my God, it's been taken down and marked as lying and misleading! I am not fake news!" she shouted at the phone. "This is ridiculous! I need someone to call the cops – I'm being falsely accused of a crime I didn't commit!"

"I'm really hoping I never live to see the day when the police can be called because someone's video has been taken down on the internet," sighed Dr. Leland. "It's certainly not the end of the world."

"It's the end of _my_ world!" shrieked Jackie. "Nobody's gonna wanna check out my content if they think it's all fake! I'll be disgraced in the eyes of the internet, and that's a fate worse than death!"

"You know, I really think this is actually going to be a very positive thing for you in the long run," said Dr. Leland. "I think a little online detox will do you a world of good. Now unless you want to keep receiving abusive messages from people, you should hand over your phone."

Jackie looked as if she would rather stab herself in the face, but slowly handed her phone to Dr. Leland and then, for the first time, looked around at the people in the Rec Room.

"Oh my God, everything's worse in reality," she said.

"Yeah, get used to it, kid," said Joker, clapping her on the back. "Or don't - like I said, there's always suicide!"

The door to the Rec Room opened and the receptionist popped her head in. "Dr. Leland, the mayor's on the phone for you," she said.

"Oh God, he probably wants to chew me out for all this," sighed Dr. Leland. "Out of the frying pan and into the fire," she muttered, heading back to her office and picking up the phone. "Mr. Mayor, hello…"

"Hello, Dr. Leland," said the mayor. "I need you to release one of those teenagers at once."'

"Release…what?" asked Dr. Leland, confused.

"One of the teenagers who we sent to Arkham – it turns out he was cleared of all criminal charges," said the mayor. "And there's a recruiter from Harvard looking to meet him. So please just release Norman Rankin at once, and please tell me nobody's hurt him."

"Norman?" repeated Dr. Leland. "But he told me when we were signing him in that he did do it, and he was really, really sorry about it, before he had to race to the bathroom…"

"I don't care what he said – the fact is his criminal record has been completely removed," interrupted the mayor. "The computer doesn't lie about the facts. And I will not be party to a lawsuit for holding an innocent young man in a facility against his will. His parents are on their way to pick him up, along with profuse apologies from my office. Just release him at once, and send him back to his school to speak to the Harvard representative, and never speak of this again to anyone, all right?"

"But…" began Dr. Leland, but the phone clicked off. Dr. Leland stared at it, and then glanced at her computer, and then put two and two together. "Oh, those two are in so much trouble…" she muttered, heading back to the Rec Room.

She found it in chaos – Jackie was rocking in a corner screaming, "I want my phone! This is viral content and I'm missing out!" while Joker was holding Craig down and punching him repeatedly, cackling madly as Harley watched him, clapping and giggling.

"Joker, get off him!" shouted Dr. Leland. "I said no physical abuse!"

"It's not abuse if it's for his own good," retorted Joker. "And getting the crap beat out of him is for his own good, because one day he'll mouth off to the wrong guy and get a bullet in his face. I'm saving him from that by teaching him a valuable lesson in pain right now – it's what the Bat would do."

"The most important lesson we can teach these young people, and all people right now, is that sticks and stones may break their bones, but words will never hurt them!" snapped Dr. Leland.

"But words do hurt them when they say them to the wrong people and then get the stuffing knocked outta 'em," retorted Joker. "Case in point. Here's a word of advice, kid, don't start calling people the names of famous clown serial killers unless you know the full name. Frankly, I'm a little offended at being compared to both John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy – sure the latter was a serial murdering pedophile, but the former couldn't act, and frankly, isn't that just as bad?"

Dr. Leland sighed heavily. "Norman, I need you to head to reception, please – your parents are on their way to pick you up."

"What?" asked Norman, confused. "Why am I being released early?"

"Because you're apparently innocent of all charges," said Dr. Leland. "I'm not sure how that happened, although I have an inkling," she added, glaring at Crane and Tetch. (The former was ineffectively trying to scrub the makeup off his skin with just his sleeve.) "But you're free to go. I'll escort Craig to the medical wing to get his injuries looked at. And I can't help but feel that Jackie needs some individual and intensive psychological treatment, since I think she's having a panic attack…"

"It's doing her good, if you ask me," spoke up Ivy. "I mean, we knew the phone detox would be pretty brutal to watch, but pain is the way we all evolve and grow stronger."

"There, y'see? I knew you agreed with me, Weed Lady," said Joker. "And yet you're always bitching about my abuse towards Harley."

"Yeah, you need to stop that, Red," agreed Harley. "I think it might be subconsciously influencing Mr. J since he refused to beat me earlier. You shouldn't try to spoil our fun like that."

"I am not subconsciously or consciously influenced by anyone!" snapped Joker. "For God's sake, can't I just be in a bad mood without some nagging dame trying to turn my frown upside down with violence?"

"Now puddin', would the Joker ever be in a sulking bad mood?" asked Harley. "You have a reputation to uphold, and I'm just trying to help you with that. It's not for my own selfish gain – it's completely selfless, in fact. I just don't want you looking like a whiny crybaby in front of these kiddies."

"It would certainly take one to know one," agreed Joker, watching as Jackie sobbed on the ground. "I fear for the future, Harley."

"That's why we gotta have kids of our own, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding. "To contribute positively to the next generation, and keep 'em in line."

Dr. Leland had helped Craig up, and headed over to try and comfort Jackie. Suddenly, the door to the Rec Room burst open to reveal a mass of reporters.

"Look at this! Look at this abuse!" shouted one. "Get the camera on me, get the camera on me! I'm Vicki Vale, reporting live from Arkham Asylum, where as you can see, the safety of its murderous inmates is a secondary consideration compared to the safety of the vulnerable children sent to it. You, young man, what happened to you?" she asked, shoving a microphone under Craig's nose.

"Joker beat me," muttered Craig. "Cause he's a sick freak."

"Cause you mouthed off to me!" snapped Joker. "Don't lie and act like it was a random act of violence! I do a lot of those, but this ain't one of 'em!"

"You people are not allowed in here – get out!" snapped Dr. Leland, trying to usher the reporters away. "Why do we even have security if they can't protect our inmates' privacy like this?!"

"You're one to talk, Dr. Fake Video," retorted Vicki.

"My video was not fake!" shrieked Jackie, through a red and tearful face. "It's all lies! Make her give me my phone back! I need it to live!"

"More abuse – separating a young lady from her phone, her one contact with the outside world," sighed Vicki. "She's not a prisoner here, you know, and treating her like one is a violation of her human rights. Children today are so dependent on their phones that depriving them of them is really a form of torture."

"She was getting abusive messages on it!" snapped Dr. Leland. "And you think she should keep reading those and that'll improve her mental health?! You think going back to the thing you're addicted to that only causes you pain is the healthy thing to do?! That's a terrible judgment, not just in psychology, but in life!"

"She's right," agreed Harley, nodding.

"Really? You're spouting that?" demanded Ivy.

"I never said I was healthy, Red," retorted Harley. "I love my puddin', even though he's terrible for my health."

"Harley, we were all pretty convinced by Scarecrow's Joker impression – have you ever mistaken him for your lover and had things get outta hand?" asked Vicki, shoving the microphone in her face.

"What kinda question is that?" demanded Harley. "No, of course I haven't!"

"I was just thinking in consideration of his feelings for you, you might give Crane a break," said Vicki.

"What feelings?" demanded Harley.

"Nothing," said Crane, shoving her away from the microphone. "There are no feelings – there's nothing. This is all fake news!"

Harley looked at him, and then her eyes narrowed. "Oh, I know what this is," she muttered.

"You…you do?" stammered Crane.

"Yeah, and I think it's really sick, actually," she snapped, shoving him out of the way and seizing the microphone. "Yes, Johnny was my psychology professor in college, but for the last time, I did not sleep with my teachers to get my doctorate! I know the Bat started that rumor in order to make me seem like a dumb blonde…"

"I doubt the Bat needs any help with that, when you do such a good job of it yourself!" chuckled Joker.

"But it ain't true!" continued Harley, elbowing Joker in the ribs. "You want me to release all the papers I wrote, and I will! You can see they got A's on their own merits, not on my skills of seduction!"

"Which, take it from me, are limited," added Joker.

"You want a punch to the face?" demanded Harley, rounding on him.

"I think you can answer that, pooh," he replied, grinning at her.

Harley grinned back, and then socked him hard in the jaw. He instantly seized her and began kissing her, while tightening his fist around her throat. "Oh, that's so good, Mr. J!" gasped Harley.

"Moving swiftly back to our top story and breaking news, vulnerable children are being abused by homicidal inmates, uncaring doctors, and incompetent government bureaucrats," said Vicki, turning the camera back on herself. "Join us for more on that after the break. Thanks for the scoop of the century," she said, turning to Dr. Leland as the cameras turned off. "When we saw that video had been uploaded by a teenager in Arkham, we raced over here as quick as we could. Jack Ryder's over at the mayor's office interrogating him on what he was thinking – the public are up in arms about kids being sent to an asylum for the criminally insane. They're all glued to their devices, tweeting angry epitaphs, and boosting our ratings through the roof! So thanks for that."

"You're happy to exploit unstable teenagers for ratings?" demanded Dr. Leland.

"Yeah, and so were you," said Vicki, shrugging. "So don't judge me."

Dr. Leland glared at her. "Here," she said, shoving Craig at her. "Take him, and take her," she said, handing Jackie her phone back and then shoving her forward. "Get them out of here, and let them sell their sob stories to the paper. I don't care anymore – I will not be part of this madness any longer!"

"Oh, you can't help that – we're all mad here," spoke up Tetch.

"Thank you for that helpful contribution, Jervis," snapped Dr. Leland. "I was against this from the start – in a long line of the mayor's dumb ideas, this was the dumbest! And I guess Norman got a good deal out of it, so some good can come from terrible ideas, but I will no longer be party to a plan that involves exploiting disturbed young people for entertainment! It's just ghastly!"

"It's just reality TV," said Vicki, shrugging. "What's the problem?"

"The problem is that you're demeaning not only the people involved, but the people watching!" snapped Dr. Leland. "There's something deeply, deeply wrong in a society that sees the bullying and abuse of the vulnerable as entertainment! But then this is Gotham, and it fetishizes Batman, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised! But I'm not going along with it any longer! The mayor can do what he wants to me – he can take away my job, but he can't take away my self-respect! Oh my God, Joker, Harley, stop it right now!" she shouted, turning around to storm off and suddenly seeing what was going on behind her.

"Talk about people with no self-respect," commented Two-Face. "I would not be doing that in public with so many cameras around."

"Yeah, I think they know better than to post that on the internet, though," said Ivy. "I mean, Joker would hunt them down and kill them slowly and painfully. Plus, as disturbing as the internet is, there are some things the world just isn't ready to see."


	10. Chapter 10

Dr. Leland returned to her office, expecting a call from the mayor. But it didn't come. She figured he probably had his hands full with the reporters – there was probably a lot of PR damage to be done from this latest scandal, which was fine with her. She figured she would just keep doing her job for now, until she heard otherwise.

The next day, there was a knock on the door to her office. "Come in," she said, closing the video on her computer which was reporting on the mayor's furious backpedaling on the issue of sending children to Arkham.

An attractive man entered the room, smiling at her. "Dr. Leland?"

"That's what my nametag says," she replied.

"My name is Raymond Belk – I'm a social worker with a local children's charity," he said, holding out his hand. "I just wanted to let you know that the two teenagers you had in here yesterday have been referred to me, and are now getting the kind of help they need. That is, counseling, rather than abuse."

"Two teenagers?" repeated Dr. Leland. "Then I'm guessing things went well with the Harvard recruiter for Norman. Though I can't help but think it's a terrible idea to reward someone who quite clearly broke the law, and then got away with it. That's how sociopaths are created. Then again, he didn't seem that dangerous to me, so maybe he's learned his lesson. Or maybe he'll do great in Harvard and become a successful lawyer or politician. God knows a sociopath would fit right in there."

"I did also speak briefly to Mr. Rankin, but I agree with your assessment of him," said Raymond. "In my opinion, he's not a danger to himself or others. And he told me he wanted to be a programmer."

"Yeah…I mean, I guess a programmer could still become a supervillain," said Dr. Leland, slowly.

"Or maybe he'll become the next Bill Gates, and give his money to charity," said Raymond. "To help the less fortunate, like they helped him."

"Maybe," sighed Dr. Leland. "I guess all we can ever do is hope people will do the right thing. Though God knows I'm pretty cynical about that in here."

Raymond smiled at her. "I saw your video," he said.

"The fake one, or the apologizing for the fake one?" she asked.

"The one that the news crew were filming when you handed the kids over to them," replied Raymond. "Saying you weren't going along with the exploitation of the vulnerable anymore, and that you didn't care if it cost you your job. I thought that was very brave."

"Well, I guess it hasn't," sighed Dr. Leland. "I think the mayor would have told me by now. I would have thought he'd want to use me as a scapegoat for this, although it looks to me like he's taking the brunt of the criticism no matter who else he tries to blame. This will definitely hurt his next election campaign."

"I imagine you also have to be fairly brave working in here every day," commented Raymond.

"Oh, the inmates aren't so bad," sighed Dr. Leland. "Most of the time. And give me them anyday over the mayor and his cronies. I know how to deal with their kind of insanity for the most part."

"How long have you been working here?" asked Raymond.

"Oh God, it seems like forever," sighed Dr. Leland. "The years all blur into one. I was hired as a junior doctor and then gradually got promoted to head…I hired Harley, who's been crazy for a long time now…let's see, maybe fifteen years total?"

"I'm surprised you're as sane as you are," said Raymond. "And honestly, that you're still alive."

"I like to think the inmates have a grudging respect for me," said Dr. Leland. "Probably because I'm such a pushover. I mean, their view is probably why ruin a good thing – if I had to be replaced, it might be with someone a lot worse, and it was. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

"I'm sure they don't think that," said Raymond. "The way they were willing to go along with staging that video for you makes me think they really do respect you."

"Well, being respected by a bunch of homicidal lunatics isn't really anyone's life ambition," sighed Dr. Leland. "But I guess it's nice to think that they might, particularly when they don't seem to respect anyone else."

"I think your job must be very similar to mine," continued Raymond. "Dealing with difficult, emotionally immature people, it's probably a lot like dealing with troubled children. And some days you don't think you're making any progress, and you wonder why you don't just give up. But you can't – you can't think of what else to do with your life, for one thing. And for another, the days when you do make progress make the bad days all worth it."

"That's true," agreed Dr. Leland, managing a smile. "Well, thanks for stopping by and letting me know that the kids are ok, Raymond…"

"You can call me Ray," he said. "And the kids are more than ok. I think people tend to underestimate both of the kinds of people we deal with. But the only way you get through this job is by having faith that deep down, they're gonna be all right. Kids are smarter and more resilient than a lot of people give them credit for."

"So are homicidal lunatics," agreed Dr. Leland. "Unfortunately."

Ray laughed, and Dr. Leland smiled again. "Look, I know you're a busy lady," he said. "So I don't wanna take up anymore of your time. But if you ever want to check up on how the kids are doing, here's my card," he said, handing it to her. "Please give me a call anytime, even if you just want to chat, or maybe get a cup of coffee or something. Or even dinner, if you want."

Dr. Leland stared at him. "Are you…asking me out on a date?" she stammered.

"Kinda," he said. "I mean, no pressure, just if you want to…"

"Oh, I do," interrupted Dr. Leland, nodding. "I do, it's…just been a long time since anyone asked me out. Working here, I…just never planned for a relationship or even a future because you aren't really guaranteed those things…"

"You're not really guaranteed anything, are you?" asked Ray, shrugging. "But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try."

Dr. Leland smiled. "I'll call you," she said, putting the card in her pocket.

"Thanks," he said, beaming. "I hope I'll see you soon, Dr. Leland."

"Joan," she said. "My name is Joan."

He smiled again and left her. Dr. Leland couldn't help but keeping smiling even as the intercom on her desk buzzed. "Dr. Leland, the mayor's on the phone."

"Well, not even that ruins my good mood," she murmured, picking up the receiver. "Mr. Mayor, hello…"

"Dr. Leland, I need to arrange a meeting with you as soon as possible," he said. "Are you available this afternoon?"

"I am…can I ask what it's about?" asked Dr. Leland. "I'm being fired, aren't I?"

"Fired?" repeated the mayor. "Absolutely not – what would you be fired for?"

"For doing that video, and then sending the kids away…" began Dr. Leland.

"No, I don't care about your private videos, and sending the kids away was the correct thing to do," interrupted the mayor. "I've been taking so much heat for this whole sending them to Arkham business, which I still don't entirely understand. Anyway, I need to meet with you because, as you were against this initiative in the first place, my team is insisting on you reviewing a number of ideas for new initiatives, and giving you full veto power if you think they'll play badly with the public. Clearly you're more clued up with that than anyone here is, and I could use someone with some common sense on my side for once. I want you to be free to speak your mind, without fear of being overridden."

"Really?" asked Dr. Leland. "Are you sure you want that?"

"Absolutely," said the mayor. "Even though that standing up to the Joker video was fake, it made you a bit of a local hero, you know. I think putting you on my PR team will look very good for my re-election campaign. I'll see you after lunch."

The phone was hung up before Dr. Leland could say anything, and truthfully, she didn't know what to say. She was too stunned to process anything that had just happened, not only the fact that she was keeping her job, but that she was maybe going to be respected by the mayor's office for once.

"Nah, I give it a week," she said, heading out of her office and over to the cell block.

"Jonathan, you're looking better," she commented. "That acne's gone down a bit."

"Only a bit," muttered Crane, whose entire face was covered in spots. "Remind me never to wear makeup again."

"I can't think of another situation where you might need to," commented Tetch, who was pouring a cup of tea. "Anyway, wasn't it worth it?"

"It most certainly was not!" snapped Crane. "The whole thing was awful – first Joker threatening to murder me, and then those ridiculous reporters blurting out about my feelings for Harley…"

"Yeah, geez, that fake news is an epidemic," sighed Harley, leaving her cell at that moment holding Joker's hand. "How are you feeling, Johnny?"

"Probably as well as I look," sighed Crane.

"You look like a raspberry," commented Joker. "So here's one for you!" he chuckled, blowing him a raspberry.

"Puddin', that's not funny," said Harley. "It's awful to have an allergy. And he only got this way because he was trying to do something nice for Joan…I mean, for us, for our anniversary," she corrected hastily.

"Yep, that'll teach him to do nice things!" chuckled Joker.

Harley sighed, and then embraced Crane, kissing him tenderly on the cheek. "Thanks for being a sweetheart, Johnny," she said. "C'mon, puddin', let's go celebrate the anniversary of the day you first dropped your pants in my presence."

"That's not an anniversary, Harley!" shouted Joker, as she pulled him off down the hall.

"Now, wasn't that a little bit worth it?" asked Tetch, handing his friend a cup of tea.

"No comment," muttered Crane, although he was blushing through his acne.

"Hey, Dr. Leland, who was that guy who just left?" asked Ivy. "The handsome one with the nice eyes?"

"I didn't think he was so handsome," growled Two-Face.

"Well, you wouldn't, would you?" demanded Ivy.

"That was a social worker who's working with the teenagers," said Dr. Leland. "Ray Belk."

"Is he gonna be back?" asked Ivy. "Because I did not have my pheromones on, but I will next time."

"Yeah, I…kinda hope he is," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "But I'd appreciate if you'd stay away from him, Pamela."

"Why? Is he seeing anyone?" she asked.

"Actually…yes," said Dr. Leland. "He's…going to be seeing…me."

"Oh," said Ivy, clearly disappointed. "Well, then I'll back off," she said, shrugging.

"Really?" asked Dr. Leland, surprised. "You'd do that for me?"

"Sure," said Ivy. "You deserve some happiness, Doc, especially after this latest fiasco. You do so much for other people – it's about time something nice happened to you for once. And he seemed nice."

"Yeah, I…think he is," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "I've just been out of the dating scene a long time…"

"I could give you some pointers," offered Ivy. "You can even borrow my lipstick if you're in the mood to control his mind or something."

"Thanks, Pamela, but I think I'll try it the normal way, without plant-based drugs," said Dr. Leland.

"Good call," said Two-Face. "You don't wanna end up putting the guy in a coma like somebody did on a date."

"Will you drop that?" demanded Ivy.

"No, I don't think I will," retorted Two-Face. "Since it almost killed me and all."

"You are such a baby," sighed Ivy. "And whining's not attractive, you know."

Dr. Leland left them to their arguing, returning to her office and picking up the phone to give Ray a call. But before she could, there was a knock on her door.

"Come in," she sighed.

Jervis Tetch stood there with a letter in his hand. "I wanted to give this to you earlier, but it was tea time, and I couldn't be interrupted," he said, handing it to her.

"What is it?" asked Dr. Leland, opening it.

"It's an apology," he said. "I know you were very disappointed that Jonathan and I changed the child's records, and on reflection, I think it was probably not the most morally upright thing to do. But then it is very hard to tell right from wrong sometimes, particularly when the boy seemed so nice, and honestly didn't seem like he meant to do any harm. I know I'm a lunatic, so it's difficult to tell right from wrong anyway, and it didn't seem wrong, but on reflection, it must have been, since it was rewarding an illegal behavior, which is always wrong. Isn't that right, Dr. Leland?"

She sighed. "I'll admit that the world makes it hard to tell right from wrong sometimes," she muttered. "You're forgiven, Jervis."

"Thank you," he said, sincerely. "I would not want you to be disappointed in me, Dr. Leland. Before I came to Arkham, I wouldn't have cared about the feelings of others, not really, since others never cared for my feelings. But now…now I realize that's important to consider sometimes. Particularly the feelings of those you respect and admire. That's right, isn't it?"

Dr. Leland smiled. "That is right, Jervis," she agreed. "Now get back to the cell block before someone sees you. I just need to make a phone call."

Tetch nodded, about to shut the door. "Oh, but just a second," said Dr. Leland, catching it. "As someone whose taste I respect and admire…do you know any good restaurants in Gotham that are unlikely to be attacked by supervillains?"

Tetch nodded. "I highly recommend the Beret Rouge Club – that's where I took my Alice. There's a string quartet, and if you mention my name, I think the effects of the mind control are still potent enough that they'll give you an exquisite meal on the house. Contrariwise...they might not be, and the staff might instead chase you out of the restaurant in a fury because I mind controlled them to use as pawns in my Wonderland chess game."

"Noted," said Dr. Leland, slowly.

"I can give you some hat cards if you'd just like to mind control them from scratch…" began Tetch.

"No, thank you, Jervis," she interrupted. "Back to your cell now."

She sighed as the door shut. "Sometimes I forget they're all criminal lunatics," she muttered, as she dialed Ray's number. "But I guess, by and large, the kids are all right."

**The End**


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